There are people around me, but I feel lonely.
I guess whether you feel lonely or not has nothing to do with how many people you have on your friends list. I scrolled on my friends list today, and I realized something. There is no one (not yet) on that list that I feel comfortable enough to DM and say: Hey, do you have 15 minutes or so? I just want to quickly chat about what has been going on in my life. You can just listen, no need to make comments or anything. Go on about whatever you are doing at the moment.
It's not like I know nobody in my life. I do. Family members, friends irl (some closer, others not so much), friends from social media I met in different communities, etc. I know these people. We talk from time to time about things, but usually there has to be some specific context. There is something to discuss.
I look at groups of people that hang out. Sometimes I would join them. Other times I would not. And when I do, I wonder how long it would take for them to find out that I am not that interesting of a person to hang around.
As I am writing this, I am starting to become aware of what is preventing me from contacting other people. I have made it a habit to deal with problems on my own because I trust myself way more than other people. I am predictable. Others may not be. Why would I want to reach out to them? I don't know what they are doing. I don't know if they are busy or not with their lives. Most likely they are. And yet I am happy to keep someone else company if they ever reach out to me. These are assumptions I have been keeping in my head for years.
All these negative self-talk, I myself am aware of, probably better than anyone else. This loneliness trap usually plays out like this: I feel lonely - I try to solve loneliness alone - I figure out the problem and develop awareness for when signals of loneliness shows up - I feel more lonely when I become aware that there is no one (yet) to reach out to.
Time to write someone an email here. We'll see how that goes.