Shutting people out is not a good idea.
I get stressed. When I get stressed I prefer to be left alone. The loneliness would induce more stress. The cycle goes on.
I am aware how damaging not communicating with others can be. It is however, a pattern that I have somehow become more familiar with. I seek for what I know to be safe, not what actually helps. There are times when we do not have enough mental bandwidth allocated for social interaction. Somehow for me, my bandwidth drops super fast when I needed it the most. Resources run scarce, I see that scarcity and I shrink in fear with whatever is left in me. Shrinking away does not help, and I (intellectually) know this better than anyone.
I freeze in the face of this monstrosity that is my anxious thoughts and yet, somewhere deep down, I do not want to call it a monster. Why would I fight it? It's shrieking so loudly only because I have attempted to shut out its voice for so long. It wants to be heard so badly.
I pause and write out the title, and the first few lines. I sit with the idea, however uncomfortable that may make me feel, of having to reach out to someone for help, of having to come directly face to face with that very source of stress. I do not move away. Or at least I try not to. I watch the physical tension in my muscles that remind me I should breathe more deeply and relax more and listen to thoughts that push me towards a deeper sense of closure.
That's just it. No conclusions to be reached. I come back to write when I need to, sometimes for a potential reader but mostly for myself. The noises are too loud out there for my own voice to be heard. Maybe one sentence here, one edit there. I have survived the discomfort of my own anxious thoughts till the end of this post, and I will (there is no guarantee, one can only hope) survive longer.
P.S. I left someone a message after writing these words down.