Re:Blog
I have a hard time understanding myself. I am terrified of talking to others about my feelings but I write about them hoping that someone would see it. I think hard about the decisions I have to make, and yet follow my heart eventually, putting aside all previous considerations. I fall into the guilty pleasure trap, stop in the middle of the act, becoming aware all of a sudden: What am I doing? and continue with the act anyway.
There is always this conflict. It's as if one person inside me is fighting another. Constant conflict. They fight in peace, but still, they fight. When that happens the aggressive one always wins.
Writing is a lone act. You talk to yourself and the response may not happen until much later. It may not happen at all. But sometimes, the response comes from me: I myself need to see the complex human I am before anyone else does, not bring myself to another fight, but hold hands. Empathize with myself. Replying to past posts can be a great way to do just that. Even simply reading it and trying to recall: what did I feel when writing that? What am I feeling now when reading it? Asking these questions is always the first step to observe myself. I dream of myself becoming some version of me from the past and having a conversation with the present me. We connect with each other through text. Blog posts. It may take some time, a week, a few months, maybe a few years for me to reply. But if future me is reading this, please, patience is a virtue. There is no need to fight.