I have a confession to make. I check the "upvote" number every now and then.
I have a confession to make: scroll to the bottom of the page. See that little button right there that points "up"? I would open up my blog every few hours and check the number right next to that arrow to see if it went up. Even by 1.
When it does, I would feel this small spark of joy inside of me. And when it does not, well, I would come back after a few hours.
I crave attention as such. How pathetic. I think to myself. And yet, I can't help it. At least, I am catching myself when I am doing it. That's why I am writing about it. I want to feel seen.
When did I start to crave so much attention? Must have been all these speech contests.
I have always enjoyed being under the spotlight as a kid. Something about others giving me their full attention for 3 minutes and listening to what I have to say satisfied my little ego. And so, the feedback loop has been formed since. I had always loved to stand on top of the stage to perform something, be it speech or a song. Deep down, I knew I was not confident. But someone gave me trophies for being seen as the best 5th grader speaker. Another trophy. A third one.
I kept wanting to be recognized as the best on stage, but I never wanted to work hard for it. You see, it just so happened that I was competing with a group of kids who were not great at speeches or singing. I got to stand out not purely because I was good at the time, but because others weren't that great.
When others were great at what they were doing, yet I had to be in the same room competing with them, I shrunk. My confidence was out of the window and I no longer wanted any trophies. If it was something I had to work hard to get, I stopped because I lost interest.
What exactly was I aiming for then? The trophies? The prize itself? Or was I trying to get attention? Was it the satisfaction that I get something anyways without having to work hard for it?
Am I writing right now for myself? Or am I writing because I thought my writing would provide some value for others? Am I writing for the upvote button?
If I look at the blogging community and say: I want to gather your attention. Then there would be no difference between the 11-year-old me and me right now. I have not grown out of that child who wants attention just because. My ego is so tied up with numbers in my life: the scores I got, the number of likes on my social media post and the numbers in my bank account. At some point, I no longer would have to take tests, and I don't post much on social media anymore. But that craving, that desperate scream for attention never went away. It manifested itself under my very own eyes, and yet I cannot see it.
I have now made my confession: Yes, I want your upvotes because it makes me feel good about myself. But I am writing this to be open and honest about it. I want to tell the 11-year-old kid that is living inside of me: You made it this far writing about something that is true to your own feelings. And that is a brave act. It is so, even if the numbers indicate otherwise.